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Mr. President, I want to say thank you for giving me this interview. You must be so busy with the war in Ukraine. BIDEN: War is horrible, but let me tell you about when I was fighting on Heartbreak Ridge during the Korean War and my squad leader went down and I jumped out of my foxhole and yelled to the troops behind me, “Let’s go! Follow me! I’m in charge here and I’ll lead you to victory!” ME: The Korean War? I’m confused. That ended in 1953 and you were only 11 years old.

I’m sorry to hear that New York Governor Kathy Hochul has Covid. I hope she’s OK and I pray that the Covid doesn’t settle in one of those weird eyebrows of hers. Governor Hochul is a good-looking woman except for those creepy dark eyebrows that seem to have a life of their own. A good friend of mine swears that he’s had nightmares of the governor’s eyebrows chasing him down the street. ******************************************************** So yesterday the New York Times wo

But first, a joke about the wrong way to deal with a bully… Charley suddenly arrives in heaven and is waiting for his “next step.” The head angel checks the “book” several times and says, “We can’t see that you did a lot of good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. Tell us one REALLY good deed that you did in your life and you’re in.” Charley replies, “There was this little old lady who was being molested by a hoodlum when I came out of the drugstore. He had t

It was tough this week. Nothing has changed. Joe Biden is still Joe Biden. Donald Trump is still Donald Trump. Neither one should be our president. This is a great country that deserves better than these two clowns. Who can I write about? Who’s in the news? Johnny Depp? Yuck! He makes my skin crawl. He’s on my list , along with Will Smith, of people I never want to hear about again. Maybe I should say something about the Cleveland Indians. Why the hell did they listen to a gr

The question: Can anyone tell me what Frank James, who unleashed a smoke bomb on a subway train, shot 10 commuters and had New York City in a panic, does for a living? For the first time I can remember, not one news story has mentioned his occupation. Where does he get his money? Isn’t anyone, besides me, interested? In the mid-1990s, Mr. James was charged with making terroristic threats after repeatedly calling his former workplace, Curtiss-Wright, an aviation technology com

Another golden oldie that first ran a few years ago… Everyone I know has a puppy these days. Young marrieds have a “let’s see if we can deal with a puppy before we have to deal with a baby” puppy. Every empty-nester couple I know has a puppy to get their minds off of their grown children who sometimes forget to call. I remember when our dog Oreo died, and Judy and I were faced with our first truly empty nest. “Should we get another dog?” Judy asked. “Absolutely,” I answered.

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop, right on his twitchy little nose. “Oh, please excuse me,” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.” “That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?” “Well, I really don’t know,” said the

I’m on vacation in Florida. Here’s a very old column. Hope it works… My son J.T. cooked our Sunday dinner last week and it was scrumptious. He slow roasted a marinated pork shoulder and served it with Cuban mojo sauce (lime, garlic, cumin, oregano, mint, olive oil) and made beer-braised balsamic lamb belly with puréed cauliflower. All five of my kids have turned out to be fantastic cooks. That makes me so happy because I think the best thing you can leave your children is a g

It started about five years ago and now just about everyone I know, including members of my family, have decided they’re gluten intolerant. This means they can’t eat pasta, bread, pizza, bagels, pancakes, waffles, doughnuts, cookies and soy sauce. You know, all the foods that make life worth living. But here’s a warning: Never question a person who says they are gluten intolerant, because they’ll cut your heart out for doubting them. They will have you believe that removing g

I guess those of you who read this column regularly noticed years ago that I have hidden powers. You know, the famous Della Femina curse. I hint about it when I write my annual column every spring about those people who insist on getting married in a hot, sticky New York City hotel on a summer holiday weekend when everyone prefers to stay in the beautiful Hamptons. The marriages always fail. One day the happy couple is all dewy-eyed and holding hands, oblivious to the fact th

The first thing my wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, said this morning was, “Would you rather be buried or cremated?” “I want to be frozen,” was my sleepy answer. “I want them to bring me back when they figure out how to bring dead people back to life.” “Frozen?” she said, sounding disappointed. “You want to be on cold, cold ice for God-knows-how-long?” “I want to be frozen,” was my testy answer, “and if you would be kind enough to dress me in a heavy sweater and one, maybe two

Ukraine president Volodymyr Zelensky is wonderful. His line, when play-it-safe Biden offered to help him leave his country while it’s at war, was: “I need ammunition, not a ride.” That’s a line for the ages. That’s a Winston Churchill line. Now let’s have a show of hands. Would you rather have Biden, Trump or Volodymyr Zelensky as president of the United States? ******************************************************** Speaking of presidents, Monday’s New York Post has smart,

I don’t know how to say this. I hope all my friends will not desert me. But I have to do this. I’ve decided to become WOKE. There are many reasons, but the most important one is when I am woke, no matter how stupid what I say may be, I will always think I’m right. When you’re woke you are always right. Always. And you have the New York Times, most media outlets, and the lefty chairmen and faculty of almost every college in the land on your side. When you’re woke nothing is fu

Who’s watching the Olympics besides a few billion Russians and Chinese? I’ll tell you who. Every four years my wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, along with every gay guy in the world, is glued to a television set watching figure skating during the Winter Olympics. Figure skating events include a couple skating on the ice and doing weird acrobatics where the guy throws the woman – who’s wearing a skimpy outfit – up in the air. She spins around like a top and then lands perfectly

Where are you going? I don’t know. We’ve been sitting here for two hours, I think I want to go into another room. Do you want me to come with you? Er…er…I don’t know, maybe you’re happy here. Does that mean you want to be alone? No…no…it doesn’t mean anything. I just want to sit for a few hours in what, a few years ago, would have been called the library, but is now called the family room. Do you really want to be alone in the family room? Don’t you love me? No…no…I love you.

This is the last part of my contribution to “Street Smarts,” Rock Positano’s great new book: He was big. In a neighborhood where almost everyone was 5 foot 5, Hoppy was a 6-foot giant and a beefy 200-plus pounds, mostly stomach. Hoppy was the mayor of “street smart” Avenue U. Work ethic? It was cloudy. The word was that Hoppy decided when he got out of the Army right after World War II that he wasn’t going to work again. He wasn’t alone. There were three or four guys like Ho

This column is dedicated to my good friend Dr. Rock Positano, the greatest foot doctor in the world, and his new book “Street Smarts,” which will be published by Simon & Schuster in 2022. The street smart wise guys of Avenue U didn’t read the New York Times. Of the 30 or 40 16-year-olds in the neighborhood, I was one of the few who had seen the inside of the Kings Highway Library. My friends read the sports pages of the Daily News and the Daily Mirror. And they devoured every

Forget Covid. Forget that it’s freezing outside. Forget China. Forget that Vladimir Putin is thinking of starting World War III and we’re all going to die. Forget bumbling Joe Biden. Forget crazy Donald Trump. Forget everything but this: This is the best news you’ll hear today. Last night I noticed that at 5:01 PM it was still light outside. OK, it was dark, but not totally dark. It was lighter than it was at 5:01 PM yesterday, and much lighter than at 5:01 PM last we

I’m ready for another booster shot. The problem is the CDC and the FDA are not ready to let me have another booster. If I lived in Israel or Chile or China or many other countries, I would be able to get my shot this afternoon. Not in this country. After 147 meetings and God knows how many proclamations, the fourth booster shot, if we’re lucky, will be available in the United States next May or June – right after Botswana. Remember this column. If I die from Covid in the next

All my life I’ve tried to stay away from negative people. Now, in 2022, I will stay away from positive people. The world has turned upside down. An old guy like me is sneaking out of the house and my kids are yelling at me to stay indoors! This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars and it’s keeping men at home! Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller at my Bank of America branch wearing