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This is practically the same birthday column I write every year. Nothing has changed, except I’m a year older and a lot crankier. So once again let me share with you the secret of life. The secret of life can be revealed in one word: Family. I’ve had two wonderful wives, I have five great kids – Donna, Michael, Jodi, Jessie and J.T. – and ten wonderful grandchildren: Zoey, Zach, Jack, William, Annabel, Charlie Maggie, Teddy, Phoebe, and Lucy. My wife, the beautiful Judy Licht

Myth Number One: Outdoor showers are fun. Yes, if you shower with someone you like, or love, and can soap up and towel each other off which often leads to sex and other fun things. But outdoor showers, when you’re alone, are horrible. The water is penis-shrinking ice cold and your bar of soap is often covered with irritating beach sand. But let’s debunk the greatest myth of them all is the joy of the beach walk. Let me spell out my feeling about a walk on the beach…any bea

Do you want to live in a Bernie Sanders world where everything will be free except freedom? I don’t. This is our chance for old people to take over the world. Those of us who are fed up and won’t take it anymore are coming into power. According to the world’s greatest authority on old people, Michael W. Hodin, CEO of the Global Coalition on Aging, the world’s 60+ population is set to double to 2 billion between now and the next few years, with a combined spending power well i

Tell me this isn't the fastest spring/summer in your life. I admit I'm a downer and I start my end of summer countdown in May, when the Kentucky Derby is over. But for crying out loud, Memorial Day shot by like a flash. Next week is the Fourth of July. In a few minutes, the stores will begin their back-to-school ads. And don't tell me that September is the best month of the year in The Hamptons. September is to winter what May is to summer. September is f*ing September. It's

I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried. For years I didn’t mention it to a soul. But now, in the middle of this latest World Cup insanity, it’s time to stand up and be counted. So last month, when I was one-on-one with a person I could trust, I asked the question. No sooner was the question out of my mouth than the person whom I asked stiffened, glanced from side to side and mumbled, “You, too?” That’s when I knew I was not alone. The question I asked was: “Am I the only person in

Along with millions of News Yorkers, from the second OG Anonoby fingers tipped that beautiful basketball into the net,with 1 and 1/2 seconds to go, I started to believe that those wonderful Knicks were going to win it all. And they did It was the same feeling I had when a little rolling baseball squirted under Bill Buckner's glove and I felt my New York Mets, were going to take the 1986 world series. And they did. It was a miracle, and, looking at those millions of cheering y

My troubles with fake phone voices and unreachable giant companies like Uber continue to frustrate me. True story: A number of years ago when, after a half hour of being switched from fake voice to fake voice by American Express, I finally reached a human, an American Express official in India who insisted that he must cancel my American Express card because someone using my card number tried to buy a $1500 refrigerator at a Virgin Megastore in Beirut, Lebanon. You can’t make

What’s your password? How many times a day are you asked to remember a password? Google, Yahoo, Amazon, Facebook, AT&T, Apple, Netflix, every bank – everything in life now needs a password. I started out with a simple password, “winter,” which was the password I used for everything. This did not satisfy the password gods. Not enough letters ... add a number ... capitalize ... The password gods and geeks are insatiable. Want to get on your own WiFi? You need a password. WHY? W

It’s summer and you have been invited to a three-month-long party as your reward for living through another lousy winter. Here’s what to expect for the next 99 or so days: ...Ice-cold beer, corn, beefsteak tomatoes, clams, lobsters, a big, beautiful steak marinating in soy, garlic and ginger, fresh-cut flowers... Jimmy Buffett singing “Cheeseburger in Paradise” on your car radio... Margaritas... STARTING ON A SAD RESTAURANT NOTE. ESTIA’S LITTLE KITCHEN in Sag Harbor, featurin

I publish my summer lament…Della Femina curse every year, as a public service to make sure your friends and relatives will think twice before they send you an invitation that will screw you out of a precious summer weekend. Every year I start this column by asking this question: Why do they do it? Why do our friends and relatives destroy the summer for us? Why can’t they get married in February? Why do they choose the middle of summer to have birthdays, anniversaries, Bar Mit

It’s a cold spring. My mind is a blank. I can’t think of a thing to write, so here are some funny things people have sent me on the internet ever the years. You probably have heard them all before. What I like about these jokes is that there’s something here to offend everyone… Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what’s your plan? The following questions were in last year’s GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16-y

I don’t post a column on Sunday but today is Mother’s Day and I run this column for Mother’s Day every year. It’s kind of personal. If you read it and it inspires you to think about your mom, that would be great. If you skip it and spend the time thinking about your mother, that would be fine, too. I want to write about my Mom. It’s Mother’s Day and I miss her so. This is about a Sunday eight or so years ago, when I drove back into my past ... Now that I think of it, I guess

…With 2 puppies. They’re just 4 months old and they’ve already changed a quiet, sad, dark, lonely house into a happy puppy land. Puppies have a way of doing that. Our house went sad last Thanksgiving when our dog Moose,(Mussolini) died suddenly. A month later our dog Shlomo died from a combination of age, (He was 17) and loneliness. He missed his friend Moose. What can I say about Shlomo? I loved him. He was my best friend. He was sweet, smart and the greatest dog in the hist

I’m going through old Jerry’s Ink columns for a book I plan to write, and I found this column about the night I did a stand-up comedy act to help raise money for a charity at Caroline's Comedy Club. I have never been so frightened in my life. I was terrified. I wouldn't allow my wife the beautiful Judy Licht, or anyone I know, to attend the show because if I was going to die I wanted to die alone. I also couldn't stand the thought of getting a mercy laugh. It's one thing to a

BUT FIRST A JOKE One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop, right on his twitchy little nose. “Oh, please excuse me,” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.” “That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?” “Well, I really don’t

Do you know anyone who is woke? Neither do I. But the sneaky bastards are still around. Have you heard the latest woke joke? Of course you haven’t. It doesn’t exist. Woke humor is as funny as Nazi humor was in the 1930s. Woke Nazis never give. They are humorless fools who try to cancel the past. They don’t understand that you cannot cancel history. You can’t change and rewrite the past. I thought about woke recently when someone on Facebook mentioned Blazing Saddles and guess

I've been thinking about summer camp and the difference between Jews and Italians. When I was growing up in Brooklyn, the Jewish kids lived in what was essentially "The Village of Kings Highway" and I lived in "The Village of Avenue U." We were physically only a few blocks away, separated from each other by Ocean Parkway, but culturally we were a million miles apart. I remember being amazed when I was eight years old and my friend Junior Fasatti first told me about the concep

I urge you to read this column from last Wednesday's New York Times by BRET STEPHENS: Stephens wrote: Most Americans probably don't look back at March 2012--if they remember it at all--and think of terrifyingly high gas prices. In the month when "The Hunger Games" ruled the box office and President Barack Obama was on his way to a comfortable re-election, the price of Brent crude closed the month around $123 a barrel. That would be about $175 a barrel in today's dollars. As o

Trump is lying. Iran is lying. Our Media is lying. To begin, Trump always lies. What’s left of the leadership of Iran is lying. But our media? If you read the New York Post the war was won by Trump the first day. So why is the war still on? If you read the New York Times the score is Iran 100 Trump 0 Every single issue of the Times tells how the cost of oil and gasoline makes Iran the winner. Even the death of one of the worst monsters in Iran, Ali Larijani, the man responsib

Memories. It’s funny how they climb into your head when you least expect it. I was driving back to the city, a while ago . I looked up and saw a sign Elmont, Long Island: “That’s when a memory crept into my head. All of a sudden it was May in the 1950s. And I was as broke as I could be. I was totally broke throughout the 1950s. First, I was single and broke. Then in 1957 at age 21, I was married, about to be a father and broke. I was looking for a job in advertising. I starte