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“It’s a hoax” Those are the words that Donald Trump, used to dismiss the scientists and tech expert’s fears that AI would soon take over the internet and then kill us all. Trump has now reversed himself and announced he would appoint a person who would take charge of controlling AI and would save us all. Unfortunately, given Trump’s past record of picking idiots (Pete Hegseth, Robert Kennedy Jr., Bugged Eyed Kash Patel etc, etc.) for his cabinet… I can only conclude that sadl

I’ve reached that age where I have these fears of what will eventually kill me. My mind seems as sharp as ever, although recently I went to unlock my front door and instead of reaching into my wallet for a key I found myself taking out my American Express card and trying to figure out where to insert the card so the door would spring open. It was only a few seconds, but I took it as a sign. On the positive side, I’m happy to report I solved all my memory issues a long time ag

Labor Day is always the saddest day of the year for me. It usually rains on Labor Day. But today, in Bridgehampton, the sky is sunny and blue. Which means our future weather is in the hands of the dopey, weather forecasters on television, who are never right in their predictions. The road from the Hamptons today is clogged with cars heading west with bikes on their roofs, with some couples who are each silently trying to remember the name of a good divorce lawyer. I’m convinc

A bunch of us from our ad agency were at a disco on 20th street one night in the 1970s It was the “everybody scores” 1970s. And we were watching Nick Gisonde, a great, talented, handsome young Art Director from our agency, dancing with a beautiful blond girl who was clearly his target for the night. Nick was a great dancer, and we talked while he continued to dance. “Nick, I’ve got to go home,” I said. “Tomorrow we’ve got to finish Carter Hall Pipe tobacco.” “I know I know” N

I know everyone pretends that they love September, but it’s a month that creeps me out. It signals the end of everything that’s fun. My grandmother, who spoke no English, used to say this about September: “September is the month when flowers, leaves and old people die.” Grandma was a barrel of laughs. As I said last year, I’m at that age where I misplace everything. This year, somehow, I seem to have misplaced summer. It was here a minute ago. What happened? The days have dwi

Do you remember your first real kiss? I’m not talking about spin the bottle baby stuff. I’m talking about a real kiss with someone of the opposite sex. I remember mine as if it were yesterday. It was summer. I was about 14 years old and I took my date, an innocent 14-year-old Italian girl named Rose to the Kingsway Theater on Kings Highway in Brooklyn. Nervous? There wasn’t a pore in my body that wasn’t flooded. My armpits needed leaders and gutters. My body felt like it had

August is a strange month. On one side it's beautiful, the weather is great and life is easy. But August can be a cruel month because it moves with a speed that you won't find in any other month on the calendar. August days move as fast as February days creep along, so so slowly. Are you like me? Every night when I go to bed in August, I can’t fall asleep. I stare at the ceiling. My mind wanders. I lay in bed thinking that in a few days, the cookouts, the carefree family time

Yes, they're still around but not as many. And I haven't received a fake robocall in few years. As you know, a robocall is when some automated airhead calls and excitedly tells you you've won a free or discounted trip to Orlando, Florida – a disgusting city that you wouldn't be caught dead in unless your kids and grandkids are screaming that they will hold their breath until you take them to Disney World. Not to totally disparage the sainted Disney – I must confess that in th

July 22nd was my birthday and yes, it was a BIG birthday . But I believe that every birthday you have after you hit the age of 75 is a big birthday. As, for my age, when I wake up with pains in my knees and back, I feel my age is really 117 and a half. I’ve reached the time where I’m ready to join all those old people my age, who you can always find in your local supermarket, Produce Department, trying to open one of those fucking, stupid plastic bags. Let’s face it. I have r

This is practically the same birthday column I write every year. Nothing has changed, except I’m a year older and a lot crankier. So once again let me share with you the secret of life. The secret of life can be revealed in one word: Family. I’ve had two wonderful wives, I have five great kids – Donna, Michael, Jodi, Jessie and J.T. – and ten wonderful grandchildren: Zoey, Zach, Jack, William, Annabel, Charlie Maggie, Teddy, Phoebe, and Lucy. My wife, the beautiful Judy Licht

Myth Number One: Outdoor showers are fun. Yes, if you shower with someone you like, or love, and can soap up and towel each other off which often leads to sex and other fun things. But outdoor showers, when you’re alone, are horrible. The water is penis-shrinking ice cold and your bar of soap is often covered with irritating beach sand. But let’s debunk the greatest myth of them all is the joy of the beach walk. Let me spell out my feeling about a walk on the beach…any bea

Do you want to live in a Bernie Sanders world where everything will be free except freedom? I don’t. This is our chance for old people to take over the world. Those of us who are fed up and won’t take it anymore are coming into power. According to the world’s greatest authority on old people, Michael W. Hodin, CEO of the Global Coalition on Aging, the world’s 60+ population is set to double to 2 billion between now and the next few years, with a combined spending power well i

Tell me this isn't the fastest spring/summer in your life. I admit I'm a downer and I start my end of summer countdown in May, when the Kentucky Derby is over. But for crying out loud, Memorial Day shot by like a flash. Next week is the Fourth of July. In a few minutes, the stores will begin their back-to-school ads. And don't tell me that September is the best month of the year in The Hamptons. September is to winter what May is to summer. September is f*ing September. It's

I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried. For years I didn’t mention it to a soul. But now, in the middle of this latest World Cup insanity, it’s time to stand up and be counted. So last month, when I was one-on-one with a person I could trust, I asked the question. No sooner was the question out of my mouth than the person whom I asked stiffened, glanced from side to side and mumbled, “You, too?” That’s when I knew I was not alone. The question I asked was: “Am I the only person in

Along with millions of News Yorkers, from the second OG Anonoby fingers tipped that beautiful basketball into the net,with 1 and 1/2 seconds to go, I started to believe that those wonderful Knicks were going to win it all. And they did It was the same feeling I had when a little rolling baseball squirted under Bill Buckner's glove and I felt my New York Mets, were going to take the 1986 world series. And they did. It was a miracle, and, looking at those millions of cheering y

My troubles with fake phone voices and unreachable giant companies like Uber continue to frustrate me. True story: A number of years ago when, after a half hour of being switched from fake voice to fake voice by American Express, I finally reached a human, an American Express official in India who insisted that he must cancel my American Express card because someone using my card number tried to buy a $1500 refrigerator at a Virgin Megastore in Beirut, Lebanon. You can’t make

What’s your password? How many times a day are you asked to remember a password? Google, Yahoo, Amazon, Facebook, AT&T, Apple, Netflix, every bank – everything in life now needs a password. I started out with a simple password, “winter,” which was the password I used for everything. This did not satisfy the password gods. Not enough letters ... add a number ... capitalize ... The password gods and geeks are insatiable. Want to get on your own WiFi? You need a password. WHY? W

It’s summer and you have been invited to a three-month-long party as your reward for living through another lousy winter. Here’s what to expect for the next 99 or so days: ...Ice-cold beer, corn, beefsteak tomatoes, clams, lobsters, a big, beautiful steak marinating in soy, garlic and ginger, fresh-cut flowers... Jimmy Buffett singing “Cheeseburger in Paradise” on your car radio... Margaritas... STARTING ON A SAD RESTAURANT NOTE. ESTIA’S LITTLE KITCHEN in Sag Harbor, featurin

I publish my summer lament…Della Femina curse every year, as a public service to make sure your friends and relatives will think twice before they send you an invitation that will screw you out of a precious summer weekend. Every year I start this column by asking this question: Why do they do it? Why do our friends and relatives destroy the summer for us? Why can’t they get married in February? Why do they choose the middle of summer to have birthdays, anniversaries, Bar Mit

It’s a cold spring. My mind is a blank. I can’t think of a thing to write, so here are some funny things people have sent me on the internet ever the years. You probably have heard them all before. What I like about these jokes is that there’s something here to offend everyone… Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what’s your plan? The following questions were in last year’s GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16-y