All Posts

MY HOLIDAY MESSAGE FOR AOC, BERNIE SANDERS AND ALL THE OTHER WOKE, POLITICALLY CORRECT IDIOTS: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persu

We almost did it. We came so, so close. There were going to be 43 of us. The plan was to celebrate Christmas Eve together, like we’ve done every year for almost 40 years (with the exception of 2020), and most of all, to honor my brother Joe, who we lost almost two years ago to covid. This one was going to be for Joe. Everybody agreed to take a covid test before they got to our house. My little grandson Teddy, age 2, was coming from Florida to see his first Christmas tree. I o

The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy, “What do you do at Christmas time?” Patrick addressed the class: “Well, Miss Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then, all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.” “Very nice, Patrick,” she said. “Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?” “Well, Miss

Below is an old column that ran a few years ago on flirting. If anything, things are worse today. How can I flirt if half the other person’s face is covered with a mask? Is she smiling? Is she sneering? Does she have her lawyer on speed-dial and will she say my innocent words frightened her and caused her great physiological damage that only money can cure? Will I spend my few remaining years in “MeToo prison”? Screw it. The world has changed and I will never flirt again. THE

This is an old column from 2010 about nicknames. Where have they gone? When I was a kid almost everybody had a nickname. Some of them made no sense at all. In my first wife Barbara’s family there were two women who were cousins, called “Big Tootsie” and “Little Tootsie.” The problem was “Big Tootsie” was a small thin woman who couldn’t have weighed more than 100 pounds soaking wet. And “Little Tootsie” was an overweight giant who was over 200 pounds. Here’s how that works: Th

I’M THANKFUL I don’t live in Kenosha, Wisconsin. It’s a town of idiots, 12 of whom made up a jury that on Friday acquitted Kyle Rittenhouse, the teenager who killed two people and shot another during a protest/riot in Kenosha. Get this: No one else who was protesting had an AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle, except this wacky 17-year-old, who was marching around town waving it and looking for trouble. Think of what this stupid jury decision did. Think of precedent. Think o

My FAVORITE JEWISH JOKE OF THE WEEK A Jewish girl tells her mom that she thinks she is pregnant. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is in fact pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man w

Joe Biden went to the Vatican and he and the Pope embraced and I’m sure that when they met in secret President Biden told the Pope that he, Joe Biden, was Jesus Christ. In his annoying way of taken credit for the worst disasters Joe said to the Pope, “I think I deserve credit. I helped someone rise from the dead.” “Who did you help rise from the dead?” asked a very impressed Pope. “Donald Trump!” said Biden proudly. “In just seven months Trump has gone from the crazy politici

My good friend Dr. Rock Positano is the Director of the Non-Surgical Foot and Ankle Service at the Hospital for Special Surgery in New York City. Rock is the greatest foot doctor in the world. Not just New York, not just the USA, but the world. Rock is also the author of the best-selling book “Dinner with DiMaggio: Memories of an American Hero.” And now he’s writing another book, “Street Smarts,” which will be published by Simon & Schuster in 2022. Rock asked me to make a con

“I won’t say ours was a tough high school, but we had our own coroner.” -Lenny Bruce I love quotations, and I found the perfect book. It’s called “Garner’s Quotations: A Modern Miscellany,” by Dwight Garner, and it’s a hoot. It’s a lot more fun than the old “Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations.” Here are some of my favorite quotes from Garner’s Quotations: 1) “If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” -Dorothy Parker 2) “Fox News did to

How did Mickey Mantle feel about midgets or, as we now say, little people? Did he ever pick up a woman at a bar and have sex with her and not even ask the next morning if it was “good” for her? If Mantle were alive today, would he make jokes about people who have changed their sex and are now in the army of the transgenders? How did he feel about what in Mantle’s time were called “cross-dressers”? What were his thoughts about homosexuals? I don’t have the answers to any of th

This week was Hamptons International Film Festival time. As usual, the Film Festival, which is one of the best things that ever happened to the Hamptons and New York State, features any number of this year’s smart-money potential Oscar picks. My two favorite films this year are a wonderful documentary called “Bill Mauldin: If It’s Big, Hit It,” about Bill Mauldin, an American editorial cartoonist who won two Pulitzer Prizes for his work. Mauldin was a great man who was what t

I remember Election Day November 2020 like it was yesterday. I went into the polling booth. I have been a lifelong Republican, so this wasn’t easy. I had voted for Hillary in 2016, for all the good that had done. Now I voted for Joe Biden. Nowhere in the pristine polling booth did I see the name of that creepy old commie, Bernie Sanders, nor did I see the name of that beautiful but incredibly dopey Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. I voted for Joe Biden for the same reason millions o

EDITORIAL FROM THE WASHINGTON POST: “The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from the Consulate at Bergen, Norway. Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard of temperatures in the Arctic zone. Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met

Help me on this. I have a feeling this country is losing it. Forget about lying, crazy Donald Trump and bumbling Joe Biden. Yes, we’ve hit an unfortunate run of presidents in the last 20 years, and the great presidents like Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower and Reagan – presidents who could inspire and ignite the whole country by dint of their style and their personalities and their decisions – are few and far between. But that is the least of my concerns. My main concern is you…

In 1967 Ron Travisano and I started an advertising agency. Of course, we set out to build a serious, responsible business. Somehow the 1960s happened, and we never became a cold, efficient business. Early on we turned into a warm, beautiful family. Mark Yustein, who died the other day, was the backbone and shining light of our family. When I was a little kid in the 1940s I was Yankees fan with the love and fervor only a 10-year-old boy can have for his favorite team. It was a

I’m depressed. It’s September and summer is officially over and all I have to show for it is my booster vaccine. I know everyone pretends that they love September, but it’s a month that creeps me out. It signals the end of everything that’s fun. Forget the beach. The lifeguards are gone and the ocean is filled with hungry sharks. It’s getting dark earlier every day. Every September for the past 70 or so years I’ve had nightmares that I’m back at Lafayette High School and I’m

Do you know the difference between fervent, fanatical, incredibly loyal Trump followers and liberal progressive Democrats? Zip. There is no difference. Both groups think they are right on any subject and the other side is always wrong and made up of criminal dopes who are destroying the United States. Both groups will forgive and forget anything their leader has done and refuse to ever consider that their leader (Trump or Biden) is a phony, cunning liar. Meanwhile, stuck in t

Let me tell you about “Conchee,” a guy from my old Avenue U neighborhood in Brooklyn. I never knew his real name, but everyone called him Conchee. He was a nice guy but a total degenerate gambler in a neighborhood where there was no shortage of degenerate gamblers. Conchee never won. He would sit in our local candy store with his nose buried in the racing form. He would announce he was betting on a horse that was a “sure thing.” The sure thing would come in last. When Conchee

Let me start from the beginning. I’m old. Very old. I’m trying to avoid getting Covid-19 because I know that it will make short work of a person of my age and lousy condition. In April, Pfizer and Moderna announced that they have a “booster shot” for people who were smart enough to get vaccinated and now feel that with the highly infectious Delta variant causing breakthrough infections they need another shot. What a great idea – a booster to make our vaccine work even better.