AM I THE ONLY PERSON ALIVE WHO HATES THE WINTER OLYMPICS?

OHMYGOD… they’re back.

In a few days, the 2026 Winter Olympics will be coming from Milan, Italy and from Cortina d’Ampezzo, an Italian ski resort that is as popular with billionaire skiers as Epstein Island was popular with billionaire pedophiles.

I hardly got over the 2022 Olympics and they’re back again.

Here’s what I remember of the 2022 games.

There was my wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, along with every gay guy in the world, glued to a television set watching figure skating featuring a couple skating and doing weird acrobatics, where the guy threw the woman, who was wearing a skimpy outfit, up in the air. She spun around like a top and then landed perfectly on the ice and avoided falling on her pretty ass.

The announcer had an orgasm.

“Did you see that? He did a Double Umloff while throwing her up in the air. And she followed with her famous horizontal Kuchicoo move. But sadly, when she came down, she lost her frozen smile for a fifth of a second and that will cost them a point with judges.”

“Did you see that ?”screamed Judy. “It’s so wonderful. She’s half Jewish you know.” Or is it the skier who’s half Jewish ?”

Judy saves her loudest accolades for athletes who are Jewish Even someone who is only one quarter Jewish will do.

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” I muttered. But when I thought of this stupid event I thought somewhere up in Olympic heaven,

 the Greeks who invented the real Olympics were throwing up.

This is all happens in February, while I’m trying to adjust to life without football.

Every year, I’m a pathetic sight, stretched out on my sofa staring at a frigging boring golf match on television with a tear in my eye. That’s when I ask the question I ask every year… Why don’t they allow tackling in golf?

I mean, why don’t they allow a bunch of the other golfers to rush towards a guy when he is trying to make a putt. Here’s how it would work: The other golfers are at the edge of the green at least 10 yards away and the referee blows his whistle and the golfers take off yelling and waving their clubs. Now, they can’t touch the golf ball as it rolls, but if they can deck the guy before he gets his putt off, it’s allowed.

I’ll bet that would do wonders for the ratings of golf on television.

I then realized that what I really missed the most was actually betting on football.

That’s when I had the thought that maybe I could bet on the Winter Olympics.

Now that betting has taken over sports in the United States, would the giant TV betting company that I deal with think I was a degenerate if I asked them if I could start betting on the men’s speed skating event?

Could I call them and find out what the morning line is in the Men’s Slalom?

How about a chance to bet on which country would have the most broken legs.

I’m still trying to come to grips with the fact that the Winter Olympics are being held in Italy.

Is the Olympic Committee nuts in addition to being corrupt?

Fact is, this is my usual “I hate the Winter Olympics” column.

First of all, there are too many foreigners involved with the Winter Olympics. Guys with names like Hans, Fritz and Olaf beating guys with good old American names like Tom, Bill and Bob.

Why? Because these pushy foreigners have us competing against them in the sports they clearly do best. I’m talking about sports where you ski off the top of a mountain and there’s a good chance that when you land, if you’re lucky, all you’re going to do is break your fool neck.

Show me a sport that depends on guys jumping off of mountains on skis into snow and I’ll show you a sport that belongs in a country filled with suicidal depressives like Norway.

And now it’s time I ask the question; When will Donald Trump threaten to take over Norway so that the United States can have a winning Winter Olympic team?

It’s disgusting that second-rate countries like Lower Slovenia, where the kids are born with skis on their feet (which, I might add, is the reason why every family in Lower Slovenia has just one child), are able to take gold medals away from the United States, which used to be the greatest country in the world.

I also object to the overt sexuality in the naming of Winter Olympics events. I have always thought that the “Men’s Giant Slalom” is a title more suited for a porno movie than an Olympic event. As for the event they call the “Men’s Half Pipe,” I don’t even want to guess what that competition is all about.

And can someone please tell me when sledding became “The Luge”? Also, why does going down a sheet of hard ice, headfirst, at 70 miles an hour qualify you for a gold medal instead of a psychiatric examination?

When you come right down to it, the only event that a real American can truly enjoy in the Winter Olympics is hockey. Heck, they don’t even have a football event, leaving out the only true winter sport in the United States where every Sunday 22 red-blooded American guys spend a fun-filled few hours beating the crap out of each other.

Gosh, I'm going to really miss that football violence every Sunday.