End of Summer

DON’T READ THIS – IT WILL ONLY DEPRESS YOU

This past Sunday was a day I wanted to hold on to.

Every hour every minute, every second.

The sun was shining all day.

The sky was actually that kind of fake cartoon blue you remembered from old Disney movies.

I desperately tried to make Sunday last forever.

It was summer to me. I failed. Sunday went.

There’s nothing we can do about it.  I counted the minutes as they were slipping away.  Then the sun fell into the sea and the shadows covered it all and the day  was over.

Just another  summer memory.

Labor Day is always the saddest day of the year for me.

It usually rains on Labor Day. Today the sky and the future are just gray and sad.

The road from the Hamptons today is clogged with cars heading west with bikes on their roofs, with some couples who are each silently trying to remember the name of a good divorce lawyer.

Those men and woman who aren't married are ending their summer romances. Suddenly "Mr. Right" who was so interesting in July is really something of a slug in September.

And that incredibly cute woman who looked good by the dim light of The Surf Lodge in July doesn't look as good in the pre-autumn haze.

And the kids. What is wrong with the  kids these days? They’re actually happy to be going back to school this year. 

I came from another world.  A million years ago, when I was a kid, on the day school was over for the summer, we all sang this old favorite:

No more pencils

No more books

No more teacher’s  dirty looks.

When I was a kid, on Labor day,  every one of us had that "I don't want to go back to school" look on our faces.

The anxiety of that terrible last week of summer never left us.

I’m sure I’m going to have  my reoccurring yearly nightmare, one night this week. I always dream I'm back in school and my geometry teacher, a miserable witch named Mrs. Stafford, is screaming at me. It’s always because I haven't done my homework.

Then she announces there is going to be a test and since I was sentenced to sit in the back of the room with the other "slow" kids, I realize there is no one I can even copy from.

The test is a disaster. I'm too obtuse to ever know what an obtuse angle is all about. 

The last thing I remember in the dream is Mrs. Stafford screaming at me that my mark was a 34. This is actually good news for me because I distinctly remember I had the exact same dream a few years ago and I only got a 27 on the same test.

I've tried everything I could to adjust to the end of this summer. Last week I realized I hadn't done so many things I usually do in summer. I didn't take my annual beach walk. I hadn't gone into the ocean, because the water was too cold. 

Mention to anyone that this weekend is the end of a summer that felt like it never started.

May and June sucked, July and August were fast and disappointing and here it is September which is to winter what May is to summer.

I will bet that they’ll look sad, shake their head in disbelief, and then say, “Yes, but September and October are the best times of the year out here in the Hamptons.” 

Bull! As the words of the song go “. . . and the days dwindle down to a precious few.” September and October are great months in the Hamptons if you’re a potato and you are about to be pulled out of the ground.

I admit September and October are the most beautiful, quiet months in the Hamptons, but the truth is we are just two months away from winter.. The days are shorter, the nights chillier. Leaves on trees are turning red then brown then falling and dying. Give me a great day in April or May with the daffodils springing up out of the ground . . . with trees blooming their pretty heads off and the smell of grass is everywhere. Give me a day when I have Daylight Savings time and a whole summer ahead of me anytime.

I’ve got to finally admit that at my age the enemy is no longer the clock. It’s the calendar.

SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU SMILE

MEN PAY ATTENTION TO THIS IT MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE

Nine Words Women Use

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up. This means your facts may be right, but you are still wrong.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) 

Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' (For the woman's response refer to # 3).

   * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, 'cause they know it's true !