GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU LAUGH, OR AT LEAST SMILE

It’s a cold spring. My mind is a blank. I can’t think of a thing to write, so here are some funny things people have sent me on the internet ever the years. You probably have heard them all before. What I like about these jokes is that there’s something here to offend everyone…

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what’s your plan?

The following questions were in last year’s GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16-year-olds):

Q. Name the four seasons.

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. What are steroids?

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie.

Q. What does “varicose” mean?

A. Nearby.

Q. What is a terminal illness?

A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word “benign” mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

An Inspirational Story:

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, “Naaahhh!” Then they told me, “Come on, it’s for handicapped and blind kids.” Then I thought, “Sh*t – I could win this!”

An Irishman’s First Drink with His Son:

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub, only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny. He didn’t like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like a Harp lager.

He didn’t. I drank it.

I thought maybe he’d like whisky better than beer, so we tried a Jameson’s. Nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest whisky.

He wouldn’t even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink, I was so sh*t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

This Ought To Make All Grandpas Feel Warm and Fuzzy:

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room.

“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland!”

What is celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.

Some of the artists of the 1960s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the limbo as if it were yesterday. They include:

Bobby Darin – Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash

Herman’s Hermits – Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr – I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees – How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash – I Can’t See Clearly Now

Paul Simon – Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores – Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Procol Harem – A Whiter Shade of Hair

The Temptations – Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone

Tony Orlando – Knock Three Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy – I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore – It’s My Procedure and I’ll Cry if I Want To

And last but not least: Willie Nelson – On the Commode Again

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NOBODY ASKED ME BUT...

 Every Friday, in the 1950s, The New York Post, had a great sportswriter named Jimmy Cannon who used to write a column that I would devour. The column consisted of his observations of the passing scene. It was called NOBODY ASKED ME BUT. So, with apologies to Jimmy Cannon,

MY NOBODY ASKED ME BUT . . .

15-year-old boys seem to like school a lot better than I did when I was a kid. Maybe the sexy female teacher/boy student sex thing is catching on.

I thought we will never have a worse Mayor than Bill DeBlasio. So along come that smiling, Jew hating, idiot commie, Zohran Mamdani and he’s far worse. The damage Mamdani will do to our city in the name of his Left Wing politics will cost innocent lives.

 Mel Torme singing "STARDUST" is this old guy's idea of what music should be

Auto racing is truly the sport of Goobers. I think if you forced me to watch more than two minutes of NASCAR racing I would confess to anything.

Late at night when I'm about to fall asleep I think of the fantastic Steamed Clams in a delicious broth served at Cappelletti, the superb Italian restaurant run by Luigi & Robin Tagliasacchi on Noyack Road in Sag Harbor and I swear, my mouth waters.

Summer Recipe: Pick up a pound of fresh raw scallops at the wonderful Seafood Shop in Wainscot. Slice them into thin slices, add the juice of one lemon, 4 oz. of great virgin olive oil, plenty of salt, and 1/4 teaspoon of cayenne pepper and leave in the refrigerator for two hours and serve. Delicious.

I’m so vain that I actually find myself encouraging identity theft. In my case. I think everybody should be me.

Summer Showering (alone) in an outdoor shower is as over rated as beach walking.

No one under 60 is interested in boxing or horseracing.

If they hold a Nuremberg trial for city planning, I'm all for having the guy who decided to "pave" the Long Island Expressway, on exit 68 last Friday afternoon a 5PM, strung up.

To tell the truth when I’m driving and see one of those idiots blabbing on a cell phone and crossing the street against the light while pushing a baby carriage and looking the wrong way. I come close to them and hit the horn as loud and as long as I can. They jump a mile and as I pass them I smile and give them the finger. That’s the kind of nice guy I am.