I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO THINK I'M CRAZY BUT...I miss ROBOCALLS

Yes, they're still around but not as many. And I haven't received a fake robocall in few years.

As you know, a robocall is when some automated airhead calls and excitedly tells you you've won a free or discounted trip to Orlando, Florida – a disgusting city that you wouldn't be caught dead in unless your kids and grandkids are screaming that they will hold their breath until you take them to Disney World.

Not to totally disparage the sainted Disney – I must confess that in the 1970s, in Los Angeles, under the influence of a great deal of cannabis, I, along with a close woman friend who was equally stoned, took what seemed like hundreds of trips on a Disneyland ride where millions of hideous dolls sing "It's A Small World After All." You had to be there. It seemed hilarious at the time. But enough of my youthful peccadilloes.

In 2011 The worst dealer in fake robocalls was a scum bunny named Adrian Abramovich of Miami, Florida.

At the time, the FCC alleged that Abramovich was responsible for 96 million fake robocalls every three months.

The FCC said the people who fell for this scam were transferred to call centers in Mexico, where live operators would sell them vacation packages at Mexican timeshare facilities.

"Unfortunately, many unsuspecting Americans are deceived into taking the bait," said the FCC chairman.

"Abramovich reached the most vulnerable Americans, typically the elderly, and bilked them out of their hard-earned money."

Abramovich was fined $120 million, which was a big disappointment to me. I was thinking more along the lines of the death penalty.

Getting old is tough enough, and when some people start to lose touch with reality, jackals like Abramovich swoop down and steal their money.

Since I estimated at the time I still had about 85 percent of my marbles left, I felt it was incumbent on me to get even with some of those deplorable pigs who were taking advantage of my fellow elderly citizens.

So, here's a wonderful new game I invented to deal with phone scams, and it gave me hours of enjoyment. Those of you with some free time might try it anytime you get a call you suspect is a scam

You know those fake calls you get where someone claims you owe or are owed money and they need your social security number and your bank information?

I got one from a Miss Wyman, from something called Accounts Receivable mumble... mumble... She needed to talk to me about "an important personal matter." Her first question was: "Are you Jerry Della Femina?"

Now, it's important that at no time during this type of call do you say "yes," because these crooks record you saying "yes" and then go out and purchase things under your name, claiming you said "yes" to give them permission. So, I answered, "I may be, but then again I may not be. Who wants to talk to him or me?"

Miss Wyman said, "I must know if you're Jerry Della Femina."

"Is this because I owe you money?" I answered. "I have my checkbook here – I will send you all the money you want. Where shall I send it?"

Now Miss Wyman was losing patience with me. "Are you Jerry Della Femina? What is your address?"

"Oh no," I answered. "I can give you money, but I can't give you my address. I'm old and weak and you'll send someone here to hurt me."

"No one will hurt you," said Miss Wyman in a shrill voice.

"Please don't yell at me," I said. "I'm old. That's the way my wife yells at me."

"I'M NOT YELLING!" screamed Miss Wyman.

"OK, OK, I will give you my name, but first you have to give me something," I said.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" she screamed.

"Can I have your social security number to show that you trust me?"

"MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER? YOU WANT MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER?!" she screamed.

"Don't connect me to your supervisor," I said. "They all connect me to their supervisors, and sometimes the supervisors scream so much that they make me cry."

That's when she hung up on me.

"Score another one for us old people, you corrupt bastards!" I thought to myself.

Warning: I' did these five or six times, and it was great fun. But make sure you're alone when you do it. One day I got a fake call when I was sitting with my wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, and she heard my entire act. When I hung up, she wasn't smiling.

"You actually talk to those people? I should have you committed," was all she said.