MY ANNUAL GUIDE TO THE JOYS OF SUMMER IN THE HAMPTONS

It’s summer and you have been invited to a three-month-long party as your reward for living through another lousy winter. Here’s what to expect for the next 99 or so days:

...Ice-cold beer, corn, beefsteak tomatoes, clams, lobsters, a big, beautiful steak marinating in soy, garlic and ginger, fresh-cut flowers...

Jimmy Buffett singing “Cheeseburger in Paradise” on your car radio...

Margaritas...

STARTING ON A SAD RESTAURANT NOTE.

ESTIA’S LITTLE KITCHEN in Sag Harbor, featuring some of the best food in the Hamptons served by the nicest people whose smiles used to light up your whole day, has CLOSED. The building has been sold. If there is a restaurant Hall of Fame, I nominate its talented owner, Colin Ambrose, who has retired.

Some of my new restaurant favorites that you’re going to love include:

DOPO IL PONTE in Bridgehampton. LULU and PAGE in Sag Harbor.

Don't miss the incredible sliced steak at BOBBY VAN’S in Bridgehampton. Charred on the outside, rare on the inside – it’s the best steak in the Hamptons served by a great wait staff. Tip them and all the wait staff at every restaurant you visit in the Hamptons lavishly. 20%...25%...30% won’t kill you, and it will help them feed their kids and pay their rent...

While you’re in Bridgehampton, get thee to the CANDY KITCHEN. I go there just about every day for their delicious, sautéed onion omelet. It’s been the favorite breakfast and lunch place for the great and the near-great for years. Wonderful food and by far the best ice cream in New York State...

Check out the great menu at THE HIGHWAY RESTAURANT AND BAR in East Hampton. Treat yourself to the wonderful, steamed pork buns and you must taste John’s Eggplant Parmigiana and the Thai Chicken Stir-Fry.

Best way to enjoy a scrumptious Friday dinner in Bridgehampton is to go to PIERRE’S for its savory Bouillabaisse Marseillaise...

Dreaming about the most delicious plate of mussels in the Hamptons? You’ll find it at ALMOND in Bridgehampton. Try their Scallop and Fennel Crudo, the best in the world.

You can’t go wrong eating at the EAST HAMPTON GRILL and NICK & TONI’S in East Hampton, and for the best fresh seafood get to that family

favorite, BOSTWICK’S.

Follow the best chef in the Hamptons, Michael Rozzi, who is running the great kitchen at THE 1770 HOUSE. Michael used to run my kitchen at Della Femina Restaurant – he’s a sweetheart of a person and a fantastic chef…

When comes to Italian food that reminds me of the wonderful food my grandmother cooked for me every Sunday in Brooklyn, I rush to, CAPPELLETTI’S. at 3284 Noyac Road in Sag Harbor. (the delicious clams steamed in white wine bring tears of joy to my eyes). You’re in for a treat — this is an unpretentious treasure. Modestly priced, it’s wonderful for families and kids. Luigi and Robin Tagliasacchi are the perfect hosts (he does the cooking) and, I swear, their made-on-the-spot cannoli is the best I’ve ever tasted. I had a cannoli there one night that was so big, it had a first-class section and a coach section. Without a doubt, their wonderful cannoli put Ferrara of Little Italy to shame...

Get yourself to Sag Harbor, go into tiny CAVANIOLA’S GOURMET CHEESE SHOP. It’s the best cheese selection in the Hamptons...

Grilling hamburgers? Go back to a time when a hamburger was juicy, full of fat and delicious instead of the dry hockey pucks you’ve been eating lately. Rush to CROMER’S in Sag Harbor. This is a food store with the greatest meat department in the country. Ask for Ray, who belongs in the Butchers’ Hall of Fame. Tell him Jerry sent you...

Browse for a great summer book in any of the bookstores in the Hamptons. We need bookstores in the Hamptons to thrive. My favorite is Barnes and Noble in the Bridgehampton Commons. Want to read a book that will change your life? Buy the Business Best Seller, “The Tao of Fundraising”

By John Kim. John has raised billions of dollars. John is brilliant and is one of the nicest people I know. Oh yes, he’s also my son-in-law..

Buy some books for your kids, too. For crying out loud, take that cellphone out of your ear and put some knowledge into your head...

Get ready for traffic jams around Exit 31 of the LIE that last for a weekend...

Orange traffic cones wherever you drive...

Margaritas...

Chubby people in their 50s wearing cut-off jeans and T-shirts with dumb inscriptions...

Nasty hedge fund guys hopping off their own planes with a jaunty, arrogant strut. They have so, so much – why don’t they look happy?...

The worst of the hedge fund guys is a creep who has earned the title “the neighbor from hell” from those who live near him. He recently paid a fortune for a new house. Some day he will figure out that the size of his house won’t add anything to the size of his penis...

Bike riders testing your driving skills and nerves on Further Lane...

Little kids coming out of the surf so teeth-chattering cold that you want to hug the warmth back into them...

Dumb drunks who should know better, aiming two-ton cars at innocent people. We need more Saturday night inspection roadblocks in the Hamptons. We need police cutting drunk drivers’ licenses into little pieces right before their eyes.

Three-charity, multi-party nights where the same 50 people jump from party to party. A conversation starts at one party and finishes two parties later. It doesn’t matter, nobody’s listening...

Undressing at night, reaching into your pants pocket, and yelping as a cocktail toothpick is embedded in your palm. Check your blazer pocket, and you’ll find a half-dozen cocktail toothpicks and God know how many cocktail napkins...

Enjoying a beach party on a moonlit beach while keeping a close eye on the little kids as they watch the marshmallow on the end of the branch they’re holding go into a raging bonfire and magically turn from a little white pillow into a brown caramelized treat...

Margaritas...

Runners clogging up the roadway with their “I’m healthy and you’re not” eyes...

Adorable six-year-old kids (with profit-making skills genetically bred into them) selling lemonade on Lily Pond Lane at outrageously high prices...

Hurricanes that never materialize. Then one that comes too close...

Margaritas...

Sipping a drink and taking in a beautiful sunset...

More margaritas...

Bluefish, nutty as fruitcakes, following their prey right into shore, right to their doom. Overhead, gulls fly in lazy circles, taking it all in...

Grown men hiding behind their sunglasses as they sneak lascivious looks at their children’s teenage nannies...Epstein is dead, but his ghost still haunts the Hamptons

Starring in your own romantic movie as you watch a full moon turn the ocean or the bay into a shimmering silver carpet.

The Hampton bees (smarter than the average bee) that stalk your cookouts and terrorize your kids all summer long...

Basting your children with suntan lotion with the same care you give your Thanksgiving turkey...

Lost sunglasses, flippers, goggles, youth, bathing suits, nose clips, romance, boogie boards that you never seem to find again...

Falling into a 20-something hot new place in Montauk, feeling age-challenged, and realizing for the first time in your life you don’t belong...

The Artists and Writers Annual Softball Game, where for a few hours the players can live out their childhood dreams of being Mickey Mantle. Watching guys who 20 years ago used to huff, now puff as they round the bases...

The Sunday night Land Rover/Mercedes/BMW/Tesla parade on 27...

Feeling disappointed and awed at the same time as you see the first beautiful monarch butterfly of the year. They only seem to show up on the last week of August...

Biting into the last hamburger you can possibly eat on the Monday night of Labor Day weekend and realizing that the potato trucks have started to roll and it’s all regretfully over...

HAVE THE BEST SUMMER!