PRAY FOR BARBIE

Worldwide gross sales of Mattel’s Barbie Doll fell once again this quarter.

So far in 2025, Barbie doll sales for Mattel have seen a significant downturn, with double-digit declines in Q3 sales and increased unsold inventory.

It looks like it’s over for Barbie. She’s on life support.

Mattel (Barbie’s parent corp.) — is trying desperately to keep her alive saying “Barbie has been brain dead for 65 years so why is her boyfriend Ken so anxious to pull the plug, now?”

Ken, whose sales were up in 2025 is claiming Barbie spoke to him in doll talk many years ago and said that she did not want to hang on once her worldwide sales fell.

Barbie wanted to go off to doll heaven where she could join all those other washed up dolls of yesteryear. Dolls like Raggedy Ann and Teddy Bear, Betsy Wetsy, Tickle Me Elmo, and those hideous Cabbage Patch kids.

The Mattel Corp. claims Ken has no right to pull the plug since years ago he was replaced by a new love in Barbie’s life, an Australian surfer named Blaine.

Ken argues he was Barbie’s “Boy Friend” for 45 years and they would have married and had many children but he has always been hampered by the fact that he has no penis.

Ken went on to say, “If Barbie and I weren’t children of the repressed ‘50s our life would have been so, so, much more fun. Hell, all these years I couldn’t figure out why we both had that stupid smile on our faces. If only we had been anatomically correct in the wild 1970s.”

Ken spoke to this reporter of his plans to file an age discrimination lawsuit against Mattel for once attempting to drop him at the ripe old age of 45. “Mattel used me — made millions of dollars from me and then they tried to replace me with this idiot doll, Blaine, from Australia.”

“I know those Mattel executives. They probably sat around and giggled, “Let’s dump old, honest, reliable Ken. Let’s replace him with an Australian. Let’s put another shrimp on the Barbie.”

Ken said he also plans a sex discrimination lawsuit against Mattel claiming that he was deprived of a penis for 65 years. He added “I never had a chance to express any sexual preference. I never knew where I stood. Did I want Barbie? Did I want her girlfriend Skipper? Both of them at the same time? Or maybe I would have been happier cuddling in the jungle with GI Joe. Mattel took away my choice and now they must pay for it.”

Ken’s lawyer went on to say that they have had a great case and since Mattel is based in California, the case can be tried in front of a typical California jury. He then added, “That means Ken will have an opportunity to plead his case before a jury of his true peers — empty headed, blond, plastic people.”

As I was writing, my wife, The Beautiful Judy Licht, read this over my shoulder and it made her very sad.

Barbie was one of her closest childhood friends. She reminded me that 25 years ago she wrote a column celebrating Barbie’s 40th Birthday.

“Don’t think of writing a Barbie column without reprinting mine,” she warned. So from March 3, 1999 I give you . . .

AN OPEN LETTER TO BARBIE:

BY JUDY LICHT

First of all, Barb, Happy Birthday! Turning 40 is a major event in everyone’s life. But when you’re a national icon, it’s something of a major celebration. Not only are you a role model for several generations of little girls, a whole generation of us baby boomers grew up with you.

You have been the big sister we always tried to look like, and later on, tried to emulate.

When having a career became important to us, you took action. There was “Doctor Barbie,” “Basketball Barbie” even “TV Reporter Barbie.” And you managed to juggle a career, a fabulous wardrobe, and meaningful relationships with your girlfriend, Skipper and your boyfriend, Ken, always with your hair looking perfect, and with a smile on your face

No rings under your eyes! Never a “Whiny Barbie.” No “Depressed Barbie.” No “Stay-In-Bed-All-Sunday-And-Eat-A-Gallon-Of-Haagen-Daz Barbie.” No sir!

And when you made the decision not to have any little Kens or Barbies, we respected that. Lord knows there are enough baby dolls around. And we all wanted you to choose what’s best for us, er, I mean, you

We remember just a few years ago when the decision was made to widen your measurements out a bit to reflect reality. Hey, talk about real, who hasn’t widened out a bit these last few years? Even with “Workout Barbie’s” entire gym set, nature does take its course.

So it was with great concern and even sadness that I read this week your sales are down. Like all of our families, Mattel, it seems, has come to rely too much on you alone. This comes at a time when you’re not getting any younger. Every woman who has grown up with you is feeling your pain, and, quite frankly, is sharing your pressure.

You see, the sad truth is that no matter how fabulous you look, and you don’t look a day over 23 (okay, 26), this is still a country that worships youth. No matter that most of the money and almost all of the power resides with those over 40. Heck, Barbie, you represent the largest number of people in this country!

But let’s face it, the ugly truth is that men over 40 rarely want to play with women over 40, and apparently, neither do their children. Those ungrateful little apples don’t fall far from their paternal trees.

So what to do? It’s bad enough you might lose some of your famous self-esteem. Now your stock has slipped too! How are you supposed to take stock when your own stock has taken a downhill ride? And still you’re smiling (albeit through clenched teeth). What a woman!

Barb, we think we have an idea to help you out, old friend. We think it’s time for “Menopause Barbie,” a newer, slightly moodier Barbie. Not only do your arms and legs move, your smile does too. First a smile, then a frown, then back to a smile again. Kinda keeps everyone around you on their toes.

Then you get a whole new layered and elastic-waisted wardrobe. This will help you with both those added inches and those mysterious warm feelings you sometimes get.

And, no, your always-perfect legs would never, ever show an ounce of cellulite. But maybe an occasional varicose vein or two would add a touch of color to those bland, beige legs.

And if that doesn’t work, you could be the new, improved “Prozac Barbie” whose smiles, in spite of all these changes, would outnumber your frowns on most days.

Maybe the kids won’t want to play with you that much anymore, but their moms and aunts sure will. Because once again, you’ll become a role model for a whole generation of us.

Can the new, improved “Viagra Ken,” this time with a penis, be far behind?