THE MOST FRIGHTENING 30 MINUTES OF MY LIFE

I’m going through old Jerry’s Ink columns for a book I plan to write, and I found this column about the night I did a stand-up comedy act to help raise money for a charity at Caroline's Comedy Club.

I have never been so frightened in my life. I was terrified. I wouldn't allow my wife the beautiful Judy Licht, or anyone I know, to attend the show because if I was going to die I wanted to die alone.

I also couldn't stand the thought of getting a mercy laugh.

It's one thing to attempt to write funny but it's another thing to get up on stage with a few hundred strangers staring at you and saying to themselves, "Make me laugh!"

The other two corporate types who took part in the charity show were James Lebenthal, the famous tax-free bond expert, and Carl (I can afford to buy a sense of humor, I'm a billionaire) Ichan, who insisted on doing his comedy stand-up act last.

Lebenthal went on first. He was a lovely man, but the crowd was sadly quiet during his entire act.

This scared me even more. Now there was a good chance that I would get up on the stage and either vomit or wet myself out of fear.

Then I heard them call my name and I stumbled on to the stage to face hundreds of strangers.

I delivered my first line and they laughed.

"Hey," I said to myself, "This isn't so bad."

I talked about the football Giants.

“They played hard and won beating the Washington Redskins and dedicated the game to their wonderful owner, Wellington Mara, who died the week before the Skins game.”

“Should we consider whacking a Mara before every game until we get into

The Super Bowl?”

It got a big laugh.

Then I talked about advertising.

“Was I wrong in proposing a slogan for Feminique vaginal spray?”

"Feminique is not the best thing in the world - It's next to the best thing."

Crude stuff but now they were laughing and applauding.

I started to regret not having anyone whom I knew in the audience.

Then I moved on to my reason for agreeing to be part of show. At the time, Judy and I were sharing our house in East Hampton with two Jewish families both of whose houses were being renovated.

"Now, the only reason I'm up here embarrassing myself is because it's for a charity. I hope someday Caroline's will hold such an event for my favorite charity. I've written a commercial that you'll all soon see on television. I have that famous bleeding heart, depressive Sally Struthers. She whines: "Hello, I'm Sally Struthers. For years I've ruined your dinner by coming on television for some dubious charity and showing you starving children.

"Now I’m here for an even more serious appeal. Today I here to urge you to give to: JEWS WITHOUT SECOND HOMES.

"You see them on weekends lunching at La Goulue and having dinner at Sette Mezzo. Jews with no place to go. Wondering among the German and Italian tourists . . Going to boring independent films about pregnant shop girls in India at night . . .Saturday. . . Sunday - the hours drag on…

“Mothers who must admit to their children ,"I'm sorry your friends are not around this weekend. If you're lonely, go downstairs and talk to the doorman."

“Jews who don't have that sad confusion of wondering in which house did they leave their heavy coat? And those shoes that would be perfect with this dress are out at the Hamptons? Why are the clothes you want to wear always 90-miles away?”

"Jews who will never spit out their Saturday morning coffee with milk that went sour because it was left on the counter of their second home all weekend.”

“Jews who will never know the joy of waving to their friends on a Saturday night at Nick and Toni's or The Palm. Jews who will never be able to say I have to go now my phone doesn't get service between exits 53 and 55 on the Long Island Expressway.

"Jews who are the hopeless victims of a rapidly shifting economy.”

"They must be helped. Do they not have a second home because they don't want to buy at the top of the Hamptons Bubble? Or worse, did they sell their home before the bubble started and can't get back in? Jews who sold their second homes on the ocean in Southampton for $800,000 in 1987. Now when they drive past it, they break into tears.”

"Jews who cannot look at the Real Estate Section of a Hampton’s newspaper without having heart palpitations.”

"How about those poor Jews who sold because in 1995 their children were under the influence of some sadistic private school coach at Dalton or Spence who called soccer and hockey practice on Saturday mornings.”

“Now their kids have grown up, and left home and these poor people are reduced to being houseguests of people they frankly can't stand.”

“When you go to your second homes this weekend think of those who only have one kitchen, just five bedrooms. Only one Viking stove. Only one Sub-Zero refrigerator.”

"I'm Sally Struthers urging you to reach into your pocket and give a donation to: JEWS WITHOUT SECOND HOMES."

The applause was incredible.

I felt like Sally Fields at the Academy Awards. I wanted to shout:

"You like me. You really like me!"

I closed my act by dropping my voice and sadly saying “I want to close by saying I’m so glad that my parents are dead.”

The room suddenly was silent.

“My Mom and Dad worked all their lives for me. They sacrificed for me. They did their best to make me a success. If they were alive now and they knew I was here, the apple of their eyes, reduced to being the opening act for FUCKING CARL ICHAN, THEY WOULD DIE AGAIN. THIS TIME OF EMBARRASSMENT.”

The audience gave me a standing ovation. Leading the applause was Carl Ichan.

The great Caroline Hirsch, the owner of Carolines Comedy Club came up to me and said:

“You know you can do standup for a living.”

“Thanks, I said. And thought to myself, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER AGAIN.

AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE

Steven Wright is one of my favorite comedians.

Recently on Facebook a gentleman named Jon Florer printed many of Steven Wright’s laugh lines.

Here are a few of my favorites.

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

9 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

10 - How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

11 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

12 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

13 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

14 - My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

15 - If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

16 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

17 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

18 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

19 - If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the line that will always be my favorite:

20 - Why didn’t Tarzan have a beard?